Labyrinth Lists
by JTheGoblinKing
Summary: Labyrinth Lists. Funny


Disclaimer: The following is an old Labyrinth fan fiction I wrote for a Labyrinth fan fiction group years. Labyrinth belongs to Henson. Most, if not all, of the Labyrinth fan fiction I am going to post here is at least ten years old, if not older. You will see the original dates they were written placed into these documents. These fan fictions predate the canon of Return to Labyrinth.

To: ., .

Subject: [labyfic] Labyrinth Lists (Now completed) 1 of 4

From:

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 2000 21:32:11 EDT

Labyrinth Lists

(Yes, I was bored today)

Top fifteen reasons why most Fans of Labyrinth would like to see

Sarah dead:

15. She has cocked her head to the side so many times that you just want

to snap it like a twig.

14. She gives brunettes a bad name.

13. You act surprisingly a great deal like her but you're about ten years

old.

12. She had to destroy that perfectly good enchanted ballroom, ruining it

for everyone.

11. She gives baby sitters a bad name.

10. She's more over dramatic then a serious fan fiction by Raven

9. You act surprisingly a great deal like her and you have been

institutionalized.

8. She somehow or another had managed to claim the role as protagonist

in the story, despite the treatment that she gave Toby from the start.

7. She gives women a bad name.

6. When falling in to the shaft of hands she actually chose down when she

had been told that the above passage would lead her straight to the castle.

5. You hope to God she's not being paid to baby-sit since Jareth did all the

hard work.

4. She gives teenage angst a bad name

3. Jennifer Connelly is more annoying then a television infomercial.

2. She gives humanity a bad name!

1. She turned down the romantic pleading of Jareth/ David Bowie.

------------------------------------------

Twenty draw backs of being The Goblin King

20. The twenty-six hour days of The Underground and the time zone

differences between your reality and Earth leaves you suffering from

perpetual jet lag.

19. Your thirteen-hour pocket watch is absolutely useless on Earth.

18. Your owl self is an endangered species.

17. Raven's fan fiction makes you seem so terribly pathetic.

16. Toby accidentally soiled himself on your lap.

15. You're not actually getting paid for this!

14. Your mother wanted you to be a musician.

13. The name alone has such terrible stereotype images attached to it,

"Goblin King".

12. There are no other employment opportunities for David Bowie look-alikes.

11. The trousers have cut off the circulation to your genitalia and have

rendered you impotent.

10. That horrible smell!

9. Your insurance plan does not cover Viagra.

8. Euro-Disney gets more tourists then The Underground

7. A part of your job critique is that you must be willing to play with your

balls.

6. Tina Turna wants her hair back.

5. David Bowie was cast to play you in Labyrinth.

4. The British version of The man who fell to Earth clearly proves that it

IS in fact a sock!

3. The humiliation of being turned down by Sarah Williams is worse then

when you found out that David Bowie was cast to play you in the film.

2. The illustrations in The Labyrinth children's storybook make you look

like an old woman.

1. The Labyrinth listians are stalking you and see you only as a hungry

lion would see a piece of juicy meat.

---------------------------------------------

Twenty five perks of being The Goblin King

25. The Labyrinth listians are stalking you and see you only as a hungry

lion would see a piece of juicy meat.

24. David Bowie was cast to play you in Labyrinth.

23. A part of your job critique is that you must be willing to play with

your balls.

22. Raven's fan fiction makes you seen so lovable that it's sickening.

21. You have more fans then any other character David Bowie has ever played

in a film despite the "gun scene" of the British version of The man who fell

to Earth.

20. You have successfully managed to boggle the minds of an entire

generation by saying "It's only forever, it's not long at all."

19. The listiams have managed to turn everything you have ever said in to a

cliche.

18. You have successfully managed to mentally scar an entire generation just

from the trousers that you wore.

17. It has been over thirteen years and yet you managed to still have a cult

following. As a matter of fact, you have formed a cult!

16. Peaches serve for a quick high and they are legal in your reality.

15. Brian Froud is still having nightmares about your goblins.

14. You have successfully managed to sexually confuse an entire generation.

13. You have successfully managed to stimulate the sexual activity of an

entire generation.

12. You do not have to pay income tax.

11. After viewing The man who fell to Earth you realize that you are not the

most pathetic character that David Bowie has ever played.

10. Your boots and hair make you appear to be at least six inches longer... I

mean taller then you actually are.

9. You wear less make up then Ziggy Stardust but more make up then your

mother!

8. You'll never run out of glitter!

7. What you could do to David Bowie's car while in your owl form.

6. Even though you're the "villain" by the end of Labyrinth you made Sarah

look so bad that most everyone reading this wants to kill her.

5. These twenty six-hour days give you two hours more sleep a night then

most working men.

4. You handle your balls better then any man alive.

3. You call this work!

2. You can intimidate fifteen-year-old girls.

1. Even though you lost, in the end you still ended up better off then Mr.

Rice (Exhuming Mr. Rice), John Blaylocke (The Hunger), Major Jack Celliers

(Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence.), and Thomas Jerome Newton (The man who fell

to Earth.)

------------------------------------------

You just might have eaten an enchanted peach if...

10. It tastes strange.

9. You wave your hand and it leaves vapour trail.

8. You are no longer able to read this list.

7. You can't seem to recall your name.

6. Everything's dancing.

5. You can't seem to recall what you were doing fifteen seconds ago.

4. You see the image of David Bowie and he's wearing more glitter then usual

3. You can't seem to recall how old you are.

2. You find yourself floating in a bubble, and you are suddenly done up like

a Barbie doll.

1. You find yourself in a ball with a mysterious man with odd blue streaks

to his long blond hair.

--------------------------------

You just might be a goblin if...

10. You are unable to read this.

9. Snot seems to be a quite appealing breakfast food.

8. The following sentence makes sense to you "foaufa ourenrer raffddfe Ewee

seeve"

7. You bathe regularly in The Bog of Eternal Stench

6. Forest Gump seems intelligent to you.

5. You liked The Linguini Incident

4. Your mother's name was "Spit" and your father's name was "Grunt"

3. You can't remember your mother's name.

2. You can't remember your name.

1. You can't remember what this list was about.

----------------------------

Ten reasons why Jareth might just feel a little bit apprehensive

around Labyrinth fan fiction writers.

10. The Package was a group effort.

9. The lurkers are just a little bit disturbing.

8. The package had a sequel.

7. An eccentric poet won this years Best Characterization of Jareth.

6. Kimberlee Boyd's last story ended with Jareth's "Package" being sliced

off.

5. Pranachira just simply scares Jareth

4. The balls always turn in to chaos.

3. They are all completely mad!

2. They have somehow turned everything he had ever said in to a clich=C3=A9

meanwhile in the film he never once repeated himself.

1. They ALL wish themselves away at LEAST twice a day!

------------------------------------

Ten reasons why Labyrinth was doomed to have a bad ending for Jareth.

10. Just imagine if poor Jareth- should Sarah have accepted his offer. He

would have been trapped with her whining forever.

9. Relationships with "Night owls" rarely ever last. They're too prone to

flights of fancy.

8. There has never once been a film with a truly good turn out for David

Bowie's character.

7. The eighties would have had to have had ended sooner or later.

6. The best man at Sarah and Jareth's wedding would have been about three

feet tall and drooled.

5. Jareth would have been forced to share his make-up should they have

stayed together.

4. Child protective services would have found out about what happened to

Toby sooner or later.

3. Nothing ever works out right for men who play with their balls.

2. Those trousers surely must have had rendered him impotent by now.

1. NO ONE would have been satisfied with that story if Sarah stayed with him

simply because several people would see that as meaning that they have lost

their chance.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Ten reasons why no one ever says Hoggle's name correctly.

10. If Jareth were to say his name right it would make Hoggle feel somewhat

important and Jareth just simply can't have that.

9. Jareth could swear that he over heard Hoggle deliberately mispronounce

his name as "Jared" after he gave Sarah the peach.

8. Angry dwarves are far more entertaining then disgruntled postal workers.

7. He's just the Biting Faery exterminator. What does it matter what his

name is? Do you remember the names of the janitorial staff at the office

buildings you may have entered?

6. What sort of name is Hoggle anyway? Higgle and Hogward just sound

better.

5. On Hoggle's Job application under "Name" he wrote, "Name what?"

4. Hoggle came from a set of quins named Hoghead, Hedgeward, Hogbrains,

Higgle, and Hoggle. And their father's name had been Hoghead, and their

mother's name was Hog. And their surname was Hoggins.

3. Dwarves are just so amusing when steam is rising from their ears.

2. He's just a substitute until the other dwarf gets over his cold. What

does it matter what his name is?

1. It's just so much fun seeing a dwarf get pushed to the edge of sanity.

To: ., .

Subject: [labyfic] Labyrinth Lists (Now completed) 2 of 4

From:

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 2000 21:32:25 EDT

Ten things that you mustn't ever say while journeying through The Labyrinth

10. That's not fair.

9. It's a piece of cake

8. Is that girl of age?

7. Is it all right if I throw stones at that barn owl that has been

following us?

6. Just where do those peaches grow?

5. When do "I" get MY song number?

4. Say, just who is that Glam rocker wanna-be?

3. Hey, who's that David Bowie look alike?

2. Your Highness, it's been twelve and a half hours that you've had that boy

on your lap and I think I should say just one thing... He has not been potty

trained yet, sir.

1. You have no power over me!

-----------------------------

Fifteen David Bowie songs that just would not have been appropriate for

this soundtrack

15. Let's spend the night together -(Bowie's version) (For the

confrontation scene)

14. Thursday's child- (for the confrontation scene)

13. I'm afraid of Americans- (For Jareth and Sarah's meeting)

12. Jump they say- (Escher Room scene)

11. What in the world- (First glimpse of Sarah's bed room)

10. Look back in anger- (Final confrontation scene)

9. Under Pressure- (As Sarah enters the castle and sees that time is almost

up)

8. Fashion- (Any scene of Jareth just after a wardrobe change)

7. Scary monsters (Super Creeps)- (The Goblin Battle)

6. Heroes- (Final confrontation)

5. Beauty and the beast- (Jareth and Sarah)

4. Breaking glass- (Jareth playing with a crystal)

3. Time will crawl- (Jareth counting down the time remaining)

2. Be my wife- (Final confrontation scene)

1. Chilly Down- (For ANY scene!)

-----------------------------

Reasons why Sarah went after Toby

10. She would have more then likely been blamed for his disappearance.

9. If she went back to her room would she ever have effected Jareth the way

she had?

8. She would be holding her dream crystal in a prison cell, arrested for

murder.

7. Well, to be honest that was her third little brother that she wished

away. She had to keep at least one.

6. Her cable was out.

5. She just did not feel like spending the holiday season in prison.

4. The instructions for using the crystal are just too damned complicated.

3. Meeting Jareth definitely makes up for missing David Bowie's Serious

moonlight tour.

2. She couldn't subject Jareth to Toby's constant crying.

1. She had nothing better to do.

-----------------------------

Secrets that Jareth does not want you to know about The Labyrinth

15. For fun Jareth plays botchy ball with his crystal orbs.

14. The name Jareth is old Celtic and it means one born with flaws or

problems of the genitalia though more then likely of royal blood. It was

more of a common term for impotency then anything else really.

13. Jareth takes the form of the owl because he likes the taste of live mice.

12. Yes, it is in fact a sock.

11. The Bog of eternal stench is just the backed up Goblin sewage system.

10. The peaches are injected with LSD.

9. Jareth has a secret fetish for woman's panties.

8. Jareth actually enjoyed the dance remix of Underground on the original

twelve inch Underground single which for some reason does not contain the

album version.

7. Jareth believes himself to be a hawk trapped in an owl's body.

6. Staring in to the reflections of looking glasses sexually arouses Jareth.

5. His owl self is molting.

4. Jareth thoroughly enjoys listening to The Spice Girls.

3. Half of The Labyrinth is in fact made of Styrofoam and cardboard.

2. In a crisis the one thing Jareth relies on is glitter.

1. Sarah managed to solve The Labyrinth.

--------------------

Employment opportunities for an experienced Goblin King

10. Glam rock musician

9. David Bowie impersonator.

8. Hair dresser

7. Dance choreographer

6. Juggler

5. Bird watcher

4. Day care center host

3. Stripper.

2. Secondary school teacher

1. Homeless lunatic

---------------------------------------

Reasons for Jareth's many costumes:

30. Jareth does so enjoy to show off his extensive and eccentric wardrobe.

29. Toby soiled himself while on Jareth's lap, and actually did this so often

that Jareth just simply had to keep changing his clothing from the smell.

28. If you live with goblins who toss around rotted food and shoot spit balls

at one and other all day long you would have a fairly good reason to change

your clothing very often as well.

27. Where there are no clocks present one can always tell that an hour has

passed because Jareth has yet again changed his clothes.

26. Jareth is an eccentric. He has to coordinate what he wears to his

surroundings.

25. Jareth has always had a problem expressing his emotions so you can tell

what he feels by what he is wearing.

24. Jareth is colour blind and believes that cutting off the blood

circulation to his genitals is less painful then a vasectomy.

23. Goblin Kings sweat a great deal, especially while dancing. And he simply

must change out of those rank clothes.

22. Ziggy Stardust is Jareth's fashion consultant and let's face it, poor

Ziggy's mind is so fried that he does not know what the Hell he is doing.

21. Jareth has a secret yearning to be a Glam rock musician.

20. With great power there also must come a flamboyant costume.

19. Well, he doesn't do too bad for a man who spends half of his time as a

barn owl and the other half with creatures that don't know how to tie their

own shoe laces.

18. All good villains are remembered by their wardrobe.

17. David Bowie needed something to do with all of his old Glam rock

costumes.

16. The costume designer hears voices in his head telling him to do "bad"

things.

15. Living among goblins so long the only way to avoid fleas is to change

your clothes periodically.

14. The costume designer was expressing his creative freedom.

13. If a goblin touches you it is always wise to bathe immediately and burn

the clothes you were in.

12. The costume designer was driven mad by watching Ziggy Stardust the motion

picture one time too many.

11. Would you rather he wore a dress?

10. The costume designer was high.

9. Jareth wants to dazzle Sarah with his unique sense of fashion.

8. The costume designer is paid per outfit.

7. It's in the villain's handbook that he must dress that way.

6. The costume designer was blind.

5. Jareth's closet exploded.

4. The costume designer was on an acid flash back.

3. David Bowie was on a drug-induced flash back.

2. The costume designer believes that it is still 1972.

1. Jareth just simply felt like it, that's all!

To: ., .

Subject: [labyfic] Labyrinth Lists (Now completed) 3 of 4

From:

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 2000 21:32:46 EDT

Why Labyrinth was probably the best film that David Bowie starred in.

15. Every other film that David Bowie has starred is either nearly

impossible to follow or he dies.

14. Andy Warhol is not as appealing as Jareth.

13. NO ONE can follow that Gigolo film.

12. Ziggy Stardust the motion picture did not have a plot!

11. The Hunger: If I had wanted to watch David Bowie rapidly age I would

have sat through The Bowie video collection and then a clip of Thursday's

child.

10. Ninety per cent of Bowie's characters die!

9. There is just about as much depth to Monte (The Linguini Incident) as

there is in a pencil.

8. Jareth is far more interesting then all of those other characters.

7. The man who fell to Earth just ruins "IT" for everyone.

6. Major Jack Celliers of Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence is just so very... sad.

5. Thomas Jerome Newton (The man who fell to Earth) is just so pathetic.

4. Exhuming Mr. Rice is in cinematic limbo despite the film festival awards

that it has won.

3. Most other David Bowie films are only available over The Internet.

2. All though Vendice Partners in Absolute Beginners danced on a giant

typewriter that does NOT compare Jareth's musical numbers.

1. "The Linguini Incident!"

------------------------------------------------

Possible reasons as to why Jareth seems to be so desperate for

romantic attention:

35. Sarah is female.

34. Jareth needs someone to help him style his hair in the morning.

33. Mirrors and a free hand no longer satisfy Jareth.

32. Jareth has not had a real relationship since The Dark Ages.

31. Goblins do not make for the best bedfellows.

30. Jareth's last sexual encounter was with Mick Jagger.

29. Those trousers have cut off all circulation to his genitalia and he is

not even certain if it still works any longer.

28. He's tired of holding out for just the right goblin.

27. Jareth's lawyers told him that if he could just keep Sarah there until

she turns sixteen then legally he won't be arrested because of her age.

26. For some reason or another Jareth finds that when Sarah cocks her head to

the side like that it's sexually arousing.

looks like a rock musician so why isn't he sexually satisfied?

24. Jareth has seen The man who fell to Earth and not only did it make him a

bit randy but he also would like to try out his own variation of "The gun

scene."

23. Jareth has a fetish for people who whine.

22. Hoggle might just have been Jareth's last conquest!

21. Jareth has to live up to the expectations (even sexual) of a fifteen year

old girl and fifteen year old girls have surprisingly high sexual

expectations today.

20. The barn owl is molting.

19. Jareth knows that Thomas Jerome Newton (The man who fell to Earth) has

had more luck in the sexual department then he'll ever!

18. After spending so much quality time with Toby Jareth is intent on having

a son of his own.

17. Jareth fancies having a Queen and Freddie Mercury (when he was healthy)

does not count.

16. Goblins have yet to discover inflatable women dolls.

15. Jareth has yet to try it with a woman.

14. Jareth would most prefer it if he were exhausted from living up to

something other then Sarah's "expectations" of him.

13. Angnes (The Junk Lady) isn't as appealing as one might think.

12. Jareth's mother did not hug him enough as a boy.

11. What relationship? He wants the baby!

10. Somehow the sexual activity of a barn owl is not as thrilling as he had

thought it would be.

9. Jareth is thirty-nine years old and he's a virgin.

8. Jareth has to hide that terrible secret that it IS a sock.

7. Goblins or goblins- that's just not a good option.

6. As sad as it seems Jareth actually considers Sir Dydimous legitimate

competition.

5. Jareth's one thousand, one hundred and thirty-five years old and he is

still a virgin.

4. Sarah is the first human, never mind girl, to have solved The Labyrinth in

over a thousand years.

3. Jareth has been continuously playing with his balls for a reason.

2. There are no other creatures worth his while in The Labyrinth

1. He's male.

--------------------------

Reasons as to why Sarah destroyed the ball room.

10. Sarah just hates masquerades.

9. The blond, Glam rocker with the blue streaks in his hair made her

nervous.

8. She felt intimidated by all the gorgeous dancers.

7. The reflection in the crystal wall made her look terribly over weight.

6. She had to get the taste of that strange peach out of her mouth.

5. The man with the blond hair kept stepping on her toes as they danced

4. She was getting nauseous by all the spinning.

3. Her hair was suddenly too heavy for her head.

2. She just realized that she was the only one without a mask.

1. She realized that she looked like a cheap Barbie doll.

To: ., .

Subject: [labyfic] Labyrinth Lists (Now completed) 4 of 4

From:

Date: Thu, 21 Sep 2000 21:34:22 EDT

Reasons against marrying The Goblin King

88. Would you dare to invite your family to the Goblin wedding reception?

87. Relationships with "Night owls" rarely ever last. They're too prone to

flights of fancy.

86. Imagine having to answer the question "What does your husband do for a

living?"

85. Tragedy befalls all David Bowie characters.

84. He has just tried to goblinize his future brother in law!

83. The eighties would have had to have had ended sooner or later.

82. You would constantly find yourself lending him your make-up.

81. The best man at your wedding would have been about three feet tall and

drooled.

80. Would you really want a husband who plays with his balls all of the

time?

79. Jareth would have been forced to share his make-up with you.

78. There is that strange pressure when your husband proves to be more

feminine then you are.

77. Nothing ever works out right for men who play with their balls.

76. Just try not to picture your future husband bathing. I imagine that he

would look something like a wet cat.

75. Those trousers surely must have had rendered him impotent by now.

74. There are no contraceptives in The Underground.

73. The rest of The Listians would have you lynched.

72. His fans would send you death threats on a regular basis.

71. For fun Jareth plays botchy ball with his crystal orbs.

70. You don't want to imagine what he might look like upon waking up in

the morning, especially with that hair, having slept on it all evening.

69. The name Jareth is old Celtic and it means one born with flaws or

problems of the genitalia though more then likely of royal blood. It was

more of a common term for impotency then anything else really.

68. There is something very disconcerting about marrying a sexually

liberal, sexually aggressive, rock musician, who rules Goblins, sings for an

audience of one, has no real sign of income, fancies a fifteen year old girl,

drugs peaches, wears glitter, and wears trousers so very tight that I doubt

that he can take them off by himself and yes it is a sock.

67. Jareth takes the form of the owl because he likes the taste of live

mice.

66. He knows how to make love but does he truly understand the concept of

"love"?

65. Your nearest beach is the outskirts of The Bog of Eternal Stench.

64. The peaches are injected with LSD.

63. You may wake up one morning and find him in bed beside Mick Jagger.

62. Jareth has a secret fetish for woman's panties.

61. The Listians wouldn't allow you to live.

60. Jareth actually enjoyed the dance remix of Underground on the original

twelve inch Underground single which for some reason does not contain the

album version.

59. Of course he's a damned good entertainer but the only songs he knows

are the ones David Bowie wrote before 1987. ... Wait... . Is that such a bad

thing?

58. Jareth believes himself to be a hawk trapped in an owl's body.

57. I hate to break this to you, but your child would not be human.

56. Staring in to the reflections of looking glasses sexually arouses Jareth.

55. You two would never survive as a couple on Earth.

54. His owl self is molting.

53. You would never be able to remember, does your future husband's name

belong to Brian Froud, The Henson Company, EMI, EMI America, The Henry Hold

company, Owl books, Marvel Comics international, Brian Henson, The Henson

estate, George Lucas, The Odyssey Channel, Disney, Benuvista Pictures, The

Nelson Company, Embassy Home entertainment, Columbia/ TriStar, David Bowie or

Iman?

52. Jareth thoroughly enjoys listening to The Spice Girls.

51. Just pray to God the package is not really detachable.

50. Half of The Labyrinth is in fact made of Styrofoam and cardboard.

49. You don't know where he's been!

48. In a crisis the one thing Jareth relies on is glitter.

47. There is that question to fear as to WHAT is he really?

46. Jareth needs someone to help him style his hair in the morning.

45. Well, that man squatting under him to do the crystal tricks could be a

problem for you both

44. Jareth has not had a real relationship since The Dark Ages.

hope he's not wearing those gloves in your wedding bed, that could

signify a problem.

42. Jareth's last sexual encounter was with Mick Jagger.

41. David Bowie named his first born son "Zowie 'Duncan' Bowie" and he now

calls himself Joey, just imagine what Jareth would want you to name your

child.

40. Those trousers have cut off all circulation to his genitalia and he is

not even certain if it still works any longer.

39. I think it may be far more interesting to marry Thomas Jerome Newton but

then again he drinks too much. Well, better alcohol then those peaches.

38. Jareth is an eccentric.

37. Just imagine how many bastard children Jareth might have created because

he was not cautious. (In example, in The AOL Labyrinth role-playing game we

have nine accounted for.)

36. Jareth has always had a problem expressing his emotions so you can tell

what he feels by what he is wearing.

35. Iman would have you shot.

34. Goblin Kings sweat a great deal, especially while dancing.

33. It would be terribly dull, having no other human beings to talk to,

assuming that you're still human after the wedding night.

32. Jareth has a secret yearning to be a Glam rock musician.

31. Imagine having to try to explain where the marriage would take place,

you would have to draw out maps through The Labyrinth and your future husband

might not approve of that too much.

30. He would so love to dazzle you with his unique sense of fashion.

29. Jareth has seen The man who fell to Earth and not only did it make him a

bit randy but he also would like to try out his own variation of "The gun

scene." ... Would that really be so awful?

28. Hoggle might just have been Jareth's last conquest!

27. The barn owl is molting badly.

26. Jareth knows that Thomas Jerome Newton (The man who fell to Earth) has

had more luck in the sexual department then he'll ever!

25. After spending so much quality time with Toby Jareth is intent on having

a son of his own.

24. Jareth fancies having a Queen and Freddie Mercury (when he was healthy)

does not count.

23. Goblins have yet to discover inflatable women dolls.

22. What relationship? He wants the baby!

21. Somehow the sexual activity of a barn owl is not as thrilling as he had

thought it would be.

20. Jareth is thirty-nine years old and he's a virgin.

19. Jareth has to hide that terrible secret that it IS a sock.

18. Jareth's one thousand, one hundred and thirty-five years old and he is

still a virgin.

17. He's male.

16. Raven's fan fiction makes him seem so terribly pathetic.

15. Toby accidentally soiled himself on his lap.

14. He's not actually getting paid for what he does!

13. His mother wanted him to be a musician.

12. The name alone has such terrible stereotype images attached to it,

"Goblin King" and then now imagine yourself "The Goblin Queen."

11. There are no other employment opportunities for David Bowie look-alikes.

10. The trousers have cut off the circulation to his genitalia and have

rendered him impotent.

9. That horrible smell!

8. His insurance plan does not cover Viagra.

7. Euro-Disney gets more tourists then The Underground

6. A part of his job critique is that he must be willing to play with his

balls.

5. Tina Turna wants her hair back.

4. David Bowie was cast to play him in Labyrinth.

3. The British version of The man who fell to Earth clearly proves that it

IS in fact a sock!

2. The illustrations in The Labyrinth children's storybook make him look

like an old woman.

1. No! Don't listen to him! He only wants your baby brother!

--------------------

Reasons for marrying The Goblin King

*1. JUST LOOK AT HIM!*

--------------------------

Reasons why most fans of Labyrinth or Labyrinth listians are mad

65. Treckies are afraid of them.

64. The British are afraid of them!

63. Americans are afraid of them.

62. Earthlings are afraid of them!

61. Undergroundlings are afraid of them!

60. Goblins are afraid of them!

59. The CEOs of The Henson Company are in hiding because of them.

58. "I" am afraid of them!

57. Aradia is a member. (So sorry, darling, I had to.)

56. The biting faery is a vindictive sociopath and

yet she has "friends" on the Labyrinth E-mailing lists.

55. Iman (David Bowie's wife) has a restraining order against them.

54. They LIKE the idea of Ziggy Stardust rising from the grave.

53. David (The listian) has more alter egoes then David Bowie has personas.

52. I continue to post on this list even though

several listians have tried to have me killed. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

51. Ziggy (the listian) has a thing for Velvet

Goldmine and has been trying to turn Jareth (A David Bowie character) in to

Brian Slade (a character based on David Bowie) Now, that's just WRONG!

50. They're reading this.

49. Most of them were mad to begin with.

48. The Henson company HAD to re-release the

Labyrinth videotape because they were beginning to frighten them.

47. They refuse to admit that it was just a movie

and wonder why there is no mention in the film credits saying "Based on

actual events."

46. They had seen David Bowie perform as Ziggy Stardust.

45. They keep a pet "Invisible" goblin.

44. Jareth's trousers would drive anyone over the edge

43. Most fans of Labyrinth are prone to addictive and or obsessive tendencies.

42. They refuse to admit that it's a sock.

41. Simply saying the name Jareth out loud throws them in to a swoon.

40. Many of them have a chemical/ Peach dependency

39. Most of them are on medication.

38. Most of them are on medication to regulate their hormones.

37. Half of them have a criminal record.

36. Sarah's continuous cocking of her head to the side

35. They have discovered the subliminal messages on David Bowie's CDs.

34. They have seen The man who fell to Earth.

33. Those who have watched Labyrinth more then three

hundred and sixty five times are usually quite mad.

32. The first time they saw Labyrinth was during their

weekend pass from the mental hospital.

31. They have begun to plot out Sarah's death.

30. They were allowed to listen to the sound track during

their shock therapy treatment.

29. They have actually elaborately planned the abduction of David

Bowie to force him in to re-dawning the role of Jareth, The Goblin King.

28. The ink blot test- all they see are owls, crystals, goblins, ballroom

dancers, masks/ masqueraders, or other things found within The Underground.

voices in their heads did not like the reformatting of

the Labyrinth re-release videotape.

26. They have stalked David Bowie.

25. They have named the voices in their heads, Hoggle,

Toby, Sarah, Ludo, Sir Dydimous, and Jareth.

24. They have seen photographs of David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust.

23. Hoggle's piss pond could do it.

22. They have subscribed to BowieNet and or have

invested all of their money in to BowieBanc.

21. They LIKED The Linguini Incident

20. There is no such thing as a sane David Bowie fan.

19. They found out that some idiot of a Broadway producer is

trying to make The man who fell to Earth in to a Broadway musical.

18. They have eaten one too many peaches.

17. They have been hit in the head with one too many peaches.

16. They have physically attacked anyone who would not

worship David Bowie as if he's God.

15. They believe Brian Froud to be completely sane.

14. They have a habit of screaming at their television sets

when the film gets to the part where Sarah says "You have no power over me!"

13. They believe David Bowie to be completely sane.

12. The Chilly Down song number.

11. The Goblin battle.

10. The Package fan fiction was a group effort.

9. The lurkers are just a little bit disturbing.

8. The package had a sequel.

7. An eccentric poet won this year's Best Characterization of Jareth.

6. Kimberlee Boyd's last fan fiction (Though fortunately never

made the archive) ended with Jareth's "Package" being sliced off.

5. Pranachira just simply scares Jareth

4. The balls always turn in to chaos.

3. They have somehow turned everything he had ever said in to a

cliche meanwhile in the film he never once repeated himself.

2. They ALL wish themselves away at LEAST twice a day!

1. The Crotch!


End file.
